inside

harold bloom says that if you search yourself outside yourself, then you'll only find the disaster, erotic or ideological*

*"man know thyself, then thou shalt know the universe and god" phytagoras

trakl

UYKU
Lanet olsun size karanlık zehirler,
Beyaz uyku!
Alacakaranlık ağaçların
Bu çok tuhaf bahçesi
Yılan, gece kelebeği,
Örümcek ve yarasalarla dolu.
Yabancı! Akşam kızıllığında
Senin yitik gölgen,
Karanlık bir korsan
Acının tuzlu denizinde.
Beyaz kuşlar uçuşur kıyısında gecenin
Yıkılan çelik
Kentler üzerinde.

*a poem that includes: serpents, nightmoths, spiders and bats is closer to the perfection

ant(ic)

and suddenly,while she was writing on that sheet of paper she noticed that all the numbers 8 that she had drawn were in fact little and black ants

and in a minute her desk was full of ants dancing with supreme happiness *

*if i received just one dollar for each ridiculous thought that i have during the day, i should be richer than "Pol Macarni" (how funny, and how beatle)

impossible

there should be a way:

for embracing a heart (from the inside)

for caressing the blood (with silked fingers)

for healing the brain sweetly ( just with band-aids)

there should be a way (but i know that it doesnt exist)*

*malisimo

4ever

Don't forget to call, whenever
I'll be here just waiting for you
I'll be under your stars forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you
I'll be under the stairs forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you

*i like so much cats under the stairs

heabed

"but take me to the heaven of your bed*
was something that you never said"

*ok, ok, but what about if that heavenly bed is in fact the procrustes' bed, ha! (?)

madness

and this is the moment when i start throwing the cds out of the window to the street

and i shout : "why, why?" (but probably in another language, for instance in french, because the french is the best language "pour la tragedie", so i'd shout: Pourquoi, porquoi?)

and i'd hit the walls with all my pillows

and all that kind of stuffs that would be perfect if i were juliette binoche and this were just a cheap b-movie (?)*

*how funny

sound

*ifallintothesea

------->

Lovely joy left blank, perhaps you are
the center of all my labors and my loves.
If I've wept for you so much, it's because
I preferred you among so many outlined joys.

repeat

same movie again*

*deja-vu

poetry

he says: sadness sells

and he is right

but sadness only sells if the sad one is beautiful*

* being sad and ugly is not easy

STOP!*

*tongue games. that is what i call dangerous

**and the same sensation again: i know that i have seen that attitude somewhere else (?)

mirrors

she says to him that he is beautiful (but -at least in this moment- he cant see it)
he says to her that she is beautiful (but she -always- thinks she is not)
they are able to see the beauty of the other, but they cant see their own

he says that they are not guilty, that is just a "code stuff"
she woke up today singing: i'll be your mirror*

*i find it hard to believe you dont know the beauty that you are, but if you dont let me be your eyes

you

*you have my loyalty = "you are just like me"

quarter

how much time would it be necessary?

how much time would it be enough?

to see if things are the way i think they are

could i say at the end: ok, it was exactly as i wished?

should i be released?

how much time? i cant help wondering this*

*fifteen minutes with you... oh, i wouldn't say no

exit

days when i am so -but so- me*

*why cant i be you?

b-day

*someone could say: it's not your birthday anymore
** but i dont give a damn

circle

paris, february 24, 1952

Dear Eduardo:

..." every day i like more George Trakl. I have a friend who reads to me in german and after she translates every line. We have many Trakl's poems, and it seems to us that he is a deepest poet"...

julio*

*julio is cortázar, obviously

thoughtful

infatuated only with ourselves
and neither of us can think straight anymore *

*i'm trying to remember if there was a time when i could think straight
** and definetely my answer is no

?

"Why do I love" You, Sir?


"Why do I love" You, Sir?
Because—
The Wind does not require the Grass
To answer—Wherefore when He pass
She cannot keep Her place.

Because He knows—and
Do not You—
And We know not—
Enough for Us
The Wisdom it be so—

The Lightning—never asked an Eye
Wherefore it shut—when He was by—
Because He knows it cannot speak—
And reasons not contained—
—Of Talk—
There be—preferred by Daintier Folk—

The Sunrise—Sire—compelleth Me—
Because He's Sunrise—and I see—
Therefore—Then—
I love Thee—

emily dickinson

miles

following M.D' s idea -if she is right and i'm sure that she is right- i have probably travel many times around the world visiting different writers (=reading so many different countries)*

* and the other night -or after midnight- he said: "reading S. it is like travelling to a lost land"

bench

*miss you

faraway*

"a writer is a foreign country"
— Marguerite Duras

*faraday

musique

Albarn released Mali Music in 2002, recorded in Mali. He has also visited Nigeria to record music with African drummer Tony Allen. Albarn says he would like to produce a Blur album in Baghdad as he "likes the Iraqi style of music".*

*this explains so many things

globalization

there is a bench in the middle (or maybe at the left) of a class that it is inside of an university -of one of the many universities of a huge city- where a girl wrote an "exotic name" (not a local one, not even a national one).

that name remains there in that bench probably for ever at least that she decides to delete it someday or that one of her trostkist mates sticks any stuff about the eternal revolution over it.

an exotic name in the middle of an academic situation*

*coolisimo

**the entire world is inside a pocket

comPOSER

and if you've got the time
and you dont mind
let me kiss you *

*by morrissey at "live at earls court"

danger

the problem with someone who doesnt believe in possessions is that is absolutely able to be in love with someone without even touch or kiss or reach that someone*

*nothing can be weirdest than the strange case to be chained in spite of not believing in chains

swords

then i could say:

i'm going to like for ever your fat espirit

or

i'm gonna always like your bald soul

but probably this is not what you are waiting from me to say

maybe you wanna hear another words*

*morrissey said: you are the one for me, fatty

poser

*if we add the drum's stuffs, he reminds me so much someone i know

**another tragic tongue (?)

pray

and tonight i remembered that when i was a little girl, Mother taught me this prayer to say before going to sleep:

Holy guardian angel, my sweet companion,
Do not forsake me during the night or during the day
Until I rest in the arms of Jesus, Joseph and Mary. *

Amen.

*you are my angel, come and save me tonight... (but finally the devil brought me the rock and roll and i turned into a bad girl. how how tragic and probably a little satanic)

enough

so simple as posting this photo just because i like it so much*

*that's all
**that is more than enough for me

kundera

"I write for the pleasure of contradicting and the happiness of being alone against everybody."

orgía

this is not the best way to spend a friday's night *

* not crápula at all
** just an orgy of knowledge (?)
*** where is the nudity?
**** intellectual people suck
***** friday: life has killed me
****** the lesson was so but so entertaining
******* if you are so entertaining, then why are you on your own tonight?

delon

*the queen may be dead but he is definitely alive

heavenly

take me anywhere

idontcaredontcaredontcare*

*

influenza

you walk around someone without making any sound -like if you were the air-

you are trying to get closer without touching

you are trying to listen the influences to understand the reasons of a play or a song

it is like saying: "if you were a drunk, i should be a drunk too just to understand what there is inside your head"*

*and one day you see that we have all made the same road

**try walking in my shoes, you'll stumble in my footsteps

ask

ok ok ok ok

but ¿what do you prefer: a tunnel or a bridge?*

*i DO have a reverse question mark, so lucky me (?)

mustBeOne

wilderish

* a well read boy, so lost between his stuffs (how tragic, so so tragic)

clavo

= and it is like a nail that has been sticking in your heart...
slowly, but in a persistent and obstinate way, as the fine rain that seems to be imperceptible but wets you completely.
and as the seasons pass, this nail embeds itself more and more
and the pain that it causes sometimes is sweet but you know that it is pain anyway.

inevitale, inconceivably... it would be better to finish with it
but then you understand that in case of extracting this nail of your heart nothing serious would happen, simply your life would go away with it.
it is something like this, but maybe a little different

just a little*

*fuckinailing

weirderish

but fly, butter fly*

*silly games with words, this is getting even worst day by day... oh my goat!

wording

i need to know inmediately:
how much time does it take to the butter for turning into a butterfly? *

*if i throw butter to the ceiling, will its wings appear inmeadiately and will it start to fly in that moment?

hitchhike

someone must come to take out this book from my hands.

i just cant stop reading it

i could cross the country just eating apple pie and ice-cream*

*in fact i could spend my entire life just eating ice-cream (and chocolate cake)

sketch

PARIS PARK

sitting in a little park in Place Paul Painlavé

-a curving row of beautiful rosy tulips rigid

and swaying, fat shaggy sparrows, beautiful

shorthaired mademoiselles (one slid. never be

alone at night in Paris, boy or girl, but I'm

an evil old man & world hater who will

become the greatest writer who ever lived)
*

*the pleasure- the privilege (funny-tragic, ha?)

mirror

at a certain age everyone has the face that deserves

it is something so simple as this:

"Your face is as mean
As your life has been"*

*but nobody could say it in a more poetic mood

peace

Octavio Paz started his poem: The bridge with these words:


Between now and now,
between I am and you are,
the word bridge.

Ir a descargar

terrorism

my friend Roland Barthes says that there is a terrorism of the question, because in every question is implicit the knowledge. the question denies the right of "not to know". all questions can be read as a position of questioning, of power, of inquisition. the question is perhaps the worst of the violence.

Barthes says that we must not forget Freud's statement according to which any question is a desire for sexual knowledge. in this regard every question is indiscreet, is the search for the sexuality of the other: what is your sexuality? a voyeurism exists in it, an obligation to the exhibition. *

*probably nobody understood this point better than Kurt Cobain, when he asks: "my girl, my girl dont lie to me. tell me where did you sleep last night?"

u.u

i'm probably becoming insane, but i swear that i saw that attitude somewhere else...*

*tragic tongue (?)

spiding

here when someone wants to say that would like to be present in the middle of a forbidden situation, it is said: "if i were a fly, i should be there"

and i was thinking: it is such a bad idea to be a fly in those situations, because nothing can be better for spying that to be an spider.

the spyer spider*

* even the letters of the words are given the clue (?)

selFishes

and the point is that i spend all the time leaving hidden messages, like secret signs

but it is probably my fault that they stay unread,

maybe because i use to write them with blue ink in the middle of the water

so they just vanish or get invisible at the moment*

*or maybe the fishes drink my blue ink

** oh so tragic, so tragic, so terrible tragic and watering (?)

unloveable

flaneur

SOUP AND THE CLOUDS *

MY well-beloved little madcap was dining with me,
and through the open window of the dining-room I was
contemplating the moving architecture which God formed
from the vapors, the marvellous constructions of the im-
palpable. And I was saying to myself, in my reflection:
"All these phantasmagoria are almost as beautiful as the
eyes of my beautiful well-beloved, the little prodigious
madcap with green eyes."
And all at once I received a violent punch in the
back, and I heard a hoarse and charming voice, a voice
hysterical and husky as with brandy, which said to
me: "Are you going to eat your soup, s . . ., b . . . of
a dealer in clouds?"

*did i tell you that i have a baudelaire's t-shirt? it is extremely cool, unique in its specie (?)

p.m (III)

-but if you hated me so much, you just would have to take a mistress... But no! That is not true. I didnt have a lover i simply slept with a guy. It is not the same; you know very well that you can sleep with who you ever want.

- you are enough for me, he replied bitterly

control

it is like noticing that there is a monkey in charge of the ship

and you are so far away from the shore

and the ship is absolutely out of control

and the monkey seems to be so confident about his abilities as a captain

that he spends all his time trying to eat a violet banana

-well, it is something like this, but maybe a little different- *

*i'm almost sure that i've seen this film before

p.m (II)

“I am a mess…” but he could do nothing, and that wasnt the essential: he knew it. the essential; what upset to him until producing anguish, was that, suddenly, he was separated from her, not by hatred -even though hatred existed in him; not by jealousy (or is that, indeed, that was jealousy?), but by a feeling without name, as destructive as the time or the death: he didnt guess.

p.m (I)

-¨the more injured people there are, the more the insurrection is closer, the more people fuck"
- i get it
-it is necessary that i say to you something that perhaps disturbs you a little...
he was laying on the elbow, he interrogated her with his eyes. May was intelligent and brave; but, often, she was awkward.
- i finally went to the bed with Langlen, this evening.
..........

- are you upset with me?
- already i have said to you that you are free ... i do not ask too much - he added with bitterness.
The little dog jumped on the bed. He withdrew his hand to caress the dog probably.
- you are free - he repeated- the rest of it doesnt matter.
- well, i had to say it to you. even for me.
- yes.

a.m

the wounds of the deepest love are enough to create the biggest hatred

gulliver

i said: "i'm becoming smaller day by day or by day by"
but the worst thing is that nobody seemed to believe me

and some day or day some, i'll probably dissappear but nobody or bodyno will notice it

poor so poor smaller me*

*it is very tragic, very very tragic and maybe a little weird or small weird (?)

ppp

the italian film director, pier paolo pasolini was killed at the beach, in 1975.
his own car -driven by a seventeen years old hustler- run over him many times.

the murderer said that he had killed the director because pasolini wanted to have sex with him, but he retracted 30 years later and said that, in fact he was innocent, and that 3 guys had committed the murder for the communist militancy of the film maker*

*and morrisey sings: "pasolini is me..."

dejavú

"the love crosses, i'll cross my fingers"

*and adorable bridge has been... (wake up!)

education

the best part about having Godzuki as a professor is that he not only can teach you how to destroy a city
he also can explain you how to build a bridge*

it would be nice to say: "teach me, monster"

*and adorable bridge has been built between us

pillowyou

send me the pillow...
the one that you dream on...
and i'll send you mine

the only problem is that i have three pillows*

one that i dream on

one to put against the wall

and the last one just to hug

*i only have three pillows but i have many pills
**pills for pillows
***pills for sleep on pillows for dream

gray

ok, i confess it

i have been lying during the last 50 years

i'm just 22*

*bad bad bad an tragic girl

forks

dreams

"During a time they resolved to sleep holding each other hand, with the hope that his dreams passed inside her across the hands. For uncomfortably that it was -because to keep a strategic position would become impossible to turn the pillow looking for the freshness- they resolved to sleep with the heads close one to the other. They thought that this contact would be more effective than that one of the hands, but she continued without dreaming"*

Silvina Ocampo

*two lovers with their heads pretty close on the same pillow, trying to share the same dream...

moz

"There is not human being on Earth able to declare who is with certainty.
Nobody knows what has come to do to this world, or which is the reason of his acts, his feelings, his ideas, not even which is his real name."*

Jorge Luis Borges

*and morrisey reminded me borges.

** i'm almost sure that moz read borges, as i know with certainty that Robert Smith did it

*** i should like to ask morrisey if he definitely did it. i think that i need his e-mail adress. (?)

warming

i need a hat for this winter

i have to avoid that the few ideas that i have, get frozen*

*btw: my feet are cool, warm i mean, you know

nailing

a boy who had been obssesed with her for more than a year came and told to her:

- i met a girl who loves me and who makes me really happy and i have to thank you for something

-what for?

- because you told me that things that were so hard to get didnt worth it. because you said to me that things in love had to be easier, that nothing or nobody deserved so much suffering and pain. you were right and i was so blind that i couldnt see it, but now i understand it and i'm in love again*

*she felt cool just for thinking that for once she had been a useful nail

warning

Until china collides with africa
i am going to chase you
it would be good that you were asking
that the land moves*

*i want it know

explanation

-some intellectual decide to accept a job in the television because it is very easy to have an affair with young girls. you know, the popularity is very attractive, but another guys prefer to be professors, because nothing can be easier than conquering a beautiful student

unexpected

*sometimes the problem about changing is when the change comes out of time

uh*

there must be a devil between us

*two, who are chained¨
**but in fact they are apart
***but there is something between them that makes them to be stick to the other
****something that it is stronger than a real and material chain
*****something that in fact is as vanished as a feeling

conclusion

catholic school's girls rule*

*the innocence pays

atheist

- i really like the way you write, but please dont put some words in capital letter. for instance god. the world is full of wars, hunger, misery so god doesnt even deserve a label letter to be named, ok?

she looked at him seriously, not even an expression was drawn in her face

then the young professor smiled and she saw all the mockery in his mouth

hey*

where are you?
because i know where you are, but i'm not talking about that
i'm just asking where are you, yes YOU, YOU, YOU
the whole YOU
where are you?
you know what i mean, dont you?

*been trying to meet you

confirmation

i thought that nobody could be stupid enough to throw daisies to the pigs*

* i said: "i thought"... but now i know that someone like that really exists (?)

obvio

a band which name is "i love you but i've chosen the darkness" deserves all my respect*

* in spite of i dont even know one of the songs that they play (?)

light

do you really think that it is so easy like changing a bulb light?*

*how funny... but (there is a light that never goes out)

strings

i dont know exactly why
but i like so much the bands with violins*

*someday i'll find a goat who teaches me how to play the violin

essential

wake up, please*

*it is more than necessary

99

almost a century*

*isnt it ironic?

discovery

at my 50 i find out that the cold weather wasnt made for me

probably i dont like the winter anymore*

*i said "probably" because i could change my mind again at my next 50

tool

she was dangerously in love

and it was a hopeless situation

so she decided: to take distance

to leave behind

to put an ocean between

she thought that she needed "a nail to take out that nail"

and she found a new nail

that was even worst than the first one

because the new one was dark, cruel and had no mercy

then she understood that what she really needed was a hammer*

*hammerme

change

here i said what i supposed that i was nowadays

but probably i was wrong (as usual) and in fact i'm something different

for instance: a little pin or maybe a little stone inside one of your shoes, when you have to walk many -but many- kilometres

witchcraft

life is pretty weird

and you notice that, in the precise moment when someone tells you a secret

that you already knew, but you arent even able to explain how you knew it.*

*in that moment you truly suspect that you have powers or probably that you are a witch

crush

if she were a soluble fish

he would probably be a solid sea*

*so bretonian

respect

-i dont love you anymore

-since when?

-now, just now

...*

*nothing can be more stupid that taking for granted someone else's feelings

trap

, and if i really dont care about it anymore -as i say-

then why does it bother me this way?*

*yeah, why?

che

''After Such Pleasures"



Tonight, seeking your mouth in another mouth.

almost believing it, because that's how blind this river is

that throws me into some woman and submerges me in her

eyes,

and it's sad to swim finally toward the shore of sleep

knowing pleasure is that lowlife slave

who accepts counterfeit coins and circulates them, smiling.



Forgotten purity, how could I hope to recover

that ache of Buenos Aires, that ceaseless hopeless

expectation.

Alone in my open house above the port

to begin being in love with you again,

to meet you again over the morning coffee

with nothing that can't be forgiven

having occured.

And without my having to remember this oblivion

that rises

to no purpose, to erase your squiggles from the blackboard

and leave me nothing more than a starless window. ''

beast

Grandmother was right -as usual- when she used to talk to me about the beauty of the youth*

*or probably cartier bresson was a genius with his camera

** i think that grandmother and cartier bresson were two genius, in fact.
***anyway i know a lot of young people who are pretty ugly

girl

not a woman yet *

*so lost as usual (how tragic!)

(.)

i'm an honest mistake that you made*

*did you mean to?